I Stand on the Cusp of New

I stand on the cusp of New
Feigning not knowing what to do

I look ahead to the after
A paradise that could not come faster
But behind me is the before
Filled with things I so shamefully adore

So many voices and yet I hear him clearly
I recoil from his instructions and yet I seek him dearly

I stand at a road of two
Pleading "please make me new"

I desire comfort
But am torn from which front
After brings peace but is unknown
Before is familiar but same as a groan

I stand on the cusp of New
Haunted by thoughts of two
What I wanted, but didn't
What I did, but wouldn't

Desire and regret
How can I be so upset
when there is nothing I am losing
But all I could be gaining

Good better best
Waiting for the latter is the test

I stand on the cusp of New
Knowing exactly what I must do

Ahead is light
Behind is dark

I could step into the new
Walk away and never look back
From it I will be free at last

Ahead is unknown
Behind is comfortable

I look back to say goodbye and see
The comfort and pleasures that I perceive

To release and let go
Is harder than I would know

I do not need silence to hear this solid "No"
I do not need silence to hear him whisper "Go"

In a crowded room with noise from many tiers
I can feel him close and speaking in my ears

"My child, my child, this is not what I have for you"
"My daughter, my daughter, this is pain that I feel too"

 Sadness and sorrow, but there will always be tomorrow

They will move on and be ok
But I will be damaged so they say
What I saw and what I thought
I can't escape the fight I should have fought

But I did
Not on my own
But I did
I fought
I fought
I am fighting.

 But

I fear I fear
The things unknown
I fear I fear
I'll never be home
I fear I fear
To be alone
I fear I fear
For what I must atone

But why on me when it has already been done
Do I not trust that the battle has been won?

Conviction and yet indecision
Guilt but with no real admission
A phantom sin
Eating from within

This music is alluring
This music is enticing
It moves through my body
It moves my body
It moves my mind
It moves.

Both ways

Before and After

Both are drawing

Behind and Ahead

Both.

But I stand on the cusp of New
And take a step forward
because there is nothing left to do

Nerdy and I know it...

You may not know it, but tax accountants are under a lot of pressure. So many numbers to crunch, tax returns to sign, referencing to create, research to do...we are on the verge of cracking and running headfirst down the padded wall path of insanity.

Everyone in my office operates on differing schedule preferences. Some like to begin the torture..I mean work...early in the morning, others delay it until noon. But everyone works late. Are you seeing the flaw in the logic yet?

One of my co-workers and I share very similar work habits. We start work early. And I mean early. I once had someone make a comment that I was running late when I stopped to get breakfast at 730am as opposed to 630am...We harass each other about our work habits, but always end up agreeing that we are like the blind leading the blind.

In order to remain sane in the face of obscene non-overtime rewarding hours, this co-worker and I make jokes...what follows is a normal conversation:

5:45am PST/ 8:45 EST (I (A) am in NY. My co-worker (K) is in CA)

K: Morning
A: Go back to bed!
K: Hahaha...You're one to speak miss
A: I know...I have no pull on that one
K: Blind leading the blind, right? How it's always been
A: Why rock the boat?
K: Exactly. All that can happen is you get wet.
A: Swimming blind is never good. You could get eaten by a whale.
K: And let's face it, after Jonah, the whales decided to not let the puny lil humans get away so easily next time.
A: And after the Pinocchio fiasco they held a 10 day training on how to properly eat humans
K: No more of this amateur stuff. Gotta meet up to the rigorous standards set by the Whales Ingest Low Level Youth
A: '82 was a year of reform after the strike of '81 thus creating the Nautical Emergency Mediation Operation
K: Which of course drew from the post second world war establishment know as the Mediterranean & Ocean Baleen Yodelers (obviously the Swiss were involved). Unfortunately it was some time until the Debating International Court of Krill recognized it, thus limited it's power until NEMO
A: Currently behind closed doors, a new committee is being formed: Freedom After Nasty Tsunamis Alter Sea Inhabitants Association of 2000, thus aiming to give the whales special privileges for aiding their fellow oceanic neighbors.
K: Which is a great organization, especially after such disastrous occurrences by human kind. An investigation by The International Trans Arctic Navigable Iceberg Committee showed that people are, well, stupid.

We're nerdy and we know it ;)

4 Tips for Traveling for the 4th Thursday of Novemeber

Catchy, right?

1. Don’t do it. When faced with the choice between hosting a holiday and traveling for one, I would without a doubt choose to revert to my ancestory ways of the hunter/gatherer. Hunting a turkey and gathering cranberries, even the old fashioned way, is a piece of cake when compared to navigating the frazzled, inexperienced and most likely running late travelers that flood the airports and roadways every holiday eve.

Just like nothing good happens after midnight, nothing good happens on an eve.
Eavesdropping is rude.
Building eves are far too small to stand on.
And if you are out on an eve, you are probably spying on someone or something, so you are going to get arrested or fall and die. Point made.
Holiday eves are nothing but trouble if you are not in the place you are supposed to be in.
This means you are late, in an accident, or not going at all. None of which are happy.

2. Arrive at the airport the day before your flight. Ok, maybe not that early. Everyone I talked to said that the airports would be a mile past the edge of insanity today. They warned me to bring snacks and plan for delays. They said I should allow 2 hours to drive to the airport. So I gave myself a healthy 5 ½ hours prior to my flight to get through traffic and the assorted lines. It took a total of 1 hour to do all of the above. While I now had to figure out how to wait out 4 hours without standing in a line, I at least was not late for my flight.

3. A) If you have hours to maim, I recommend fajitas and a nice Merlot. Wine does a bored traveler some good.

B) if you are one of the suckers who is habitually still in the security line when your flight is boarding, I would suggest you spend a good couple of months prior to your trip doing yoga and finding your place of serenity as well as find a talented track coach to work on your sprinting ability.

4. Be Thankful! Even if you are still at the airport, you are not working…unless you are me, in which case there is a different multiple step program that needs to be addressed ;)

Dear Empire State Building,

Bravo at your attempt and subsequent success in being an effective tourist trap.

You effectively utilized the "short line outside - long line inside" fake out. Did you take notes from Disneyland?

I thought I had it in the bag when I was inside the doors in 5 minutes, but noooo, there were switch backs hidden upstairs. When I thought I was clear of those, you slapped me in the face with a security check point! You don't trust me? That hurt. Now that you know the secrets of my life since you riffled through my purse, may I go up the viewing deck and meet Tom Hanks?

What's that you say? Another line? Of course, how could I be mistaken, I still needed to buy a ticket to take the elevator upstairs. And after the ticket line, there was yet another one to get in the elevator that takes you to the 80th floor. Was I there yet? No. After 80 floors, there was another elevator to go to the 86th floor, which was the viewing deck.

But twist! There was only one elevator working and it would be a 30 minute wait. Well I'm not about to wait 30 minutes to ride an elevator up 6 floors when there is a perfectly good alternative: Stairs. Yeah, that's right, I took the stairs. So take that Mr. Empire, not only did I not freak out and get flustered, but I even got a little workout in!

And then I had you right where I wanted you. It was a clear day in New York City and I could see for miles! Miles, I tell you! I could see the Statue of Liberty to the south and Central Park to the North and I didn't need to buy your cute little map or audio tour that you insisted I would want to have so that I knew what I was looking at.

I even bested your gift shop. I will admit I was tempted by the 3 foot tall Lego set of your building and the Christmas ornaments that it is never too early to shop for. But I resisted. I will not fall into your clever ensnarement.

I WIIIIN!!

Granted you did weasel $22 out of me...

Amanda: 1

Empire State Building: 1/2

Sincerely,

Getting better at this new city thing :)

NYC

I'm Here! I'm Here!

This morning I rode the subway for the first time. There is something very ominous about walking down a dark hole in the ground. But I swiped my handy-dandy metro card and sat down on the bench next to subway stop.

When it came, I got on, all proud of myself. As I am sitting there trying to put on my best "I'm a New York, so don't mess with me" face while trying to hide the "I'M IN NYC!!" face, I hear "Next stop Rockafeller Center." Now while I want to go to there...it was not the same direction as the office...I got on the subway GOING THE WRONG WAY! The city is laughing in my face...but I was laughing too :)

Subway: 1
Amanda: 0

Anyway, I got off and changed trains and went back the correct direction.

Lesson of the day: Learn NY geography...

Didn't see that one coming...

There are two conversations that I had in the last few months that are now blinding irony to my current stage in life.

Conversation #1: I was talking to a friend about how I was desiring more out of life; more excitement, more adventure. Settling into my second year of work made me realize how much I was used to annual changes. School and classes changed every 6 months. As an RA, my staff and residents changed each year. I moved living arrangements every May and August. I may be weary of constant revolving change, but the annual shake up was something that I had become used to and without it, I was feeling a little on the apathetic side of life.

Conversation #2: Another friend asked me, now that summer busy season is over, will work slow down...

Current Stage of Life:

I bought my first car!

I passed my CPA Exam!

I am doing an extended rotation in New York for work, starting in a week!!

I am going to Israel in January!

I feel like this is a stage of life where God is asking me repeatedly, "Do you know me well enough to trust me?" It is easy to say yes when I have just bought a new car, passed my CPA exam, have a great job and wonderfully caring friends. It is not easy to roll that answer off my tongue when I am living in a new city, by myself, with the only frame of reference being crime dramas such as Law and Order, or CSI: NY...So while New York excites me, it also terrifies me.

It excites me because it is new and ready to be discovered. It terrifies me because it is new and unknown. It excites me because it is an opportunity to meet colleagues from different offices and make new friends. It terrifies me because it is a long time away from my friends and my Life Group (bible study group) who know me and understand me.

Israel doesn't make this question any easier either. Typical mission trips are comfortable for me. Going and doing. Bringing some tangible value. That is easy to focus on and plan for. But being put in a situation where my ignorance, misunderstanding, and prejudices are exposed? That is uncomfortable. That is difficult for someone like me who thrives on being right and being the best.

Actually, let me clarify, it is easy to answer this question of trusting. It is hard to live your answer. Which is why I am choosing to enter this stage of life. I am tired of sitting back in fear of "what ifs" and comfort of routine.

I'm not ready. Nowhere close. No one is ready to get their butts kicked in humility and trust. But I would rather have a faith that is thriving than one that is atrophying and dying.

When creatures of habit take detours

Generally, the daily life of Amanda Gayle Wheeler is pretty predictable.

I wake up around 6:30am,

Get to work at 830am

Come home around 7pm

Go to bed around 10pm

Repeat.

However, these past couple of weeks I have been making friendships a greater priority and adventure has naturally sprung from that.

Last Sunday after the Oscars, someone suggested that we go to Beverly Hills and find Banksy artwork.

Banksy is a British graffiti artist who tags places all over the U.S. and Europe. No one knows what he looks like and his art tends to be political, so he makes for an intriguing topic of discussion. Anyway, he had made a documentary, Exit through the Gift Shop, which was up for an Oscar, so he was in LA last week.

One thing led to another and I didn't get home until 2am and as a result slept in until 930am. By the time I rolled into work around 11am, I had 3 text messages, 2 missed calls and someone looking up traffic reports in search of a potental accident as the reason my delay in arrival.

As I mentioned earlier, I go to bed early and my roommates are basically nocturnal, so they stay up super late. They are used to fully locking up the apartment. I have almost gotten locked out several times...

Their insomnia also means that they know when I don't come home until the middle of night...

This weekend I went out with some friends on Saturday night and on the drive home, the conversation was so good, that I ended up talking with my friend until, oh, say 530am...this unusual behavior caused concern among the roommates of whether to try and call me or decide I stayed at someone else's house for the night...Either way, I got a mini interrogation the next morning.

I am usually so predictable, so now that I am changing up my routine, its causing a bit of a ripple.

But the good news is that people notice when I'm missing :)