**I write this partially out of frustration of the expectations and assumptions of relationships, partially as a defense of my character, and partially so I don’t have to answer this question anymore.**
[This kiss supervised and approved of by Kevin, the creeper in the background]
I have always heard the analogy that compares pre-marital sex or co-habitating to test driving a car. "How can you commit to one person for your entire life if you don’t know if the sex is any good?"
I don’t need to have sex with Phillip to know that I am very attracted to him and one day we will have fantastic physical intimacy. I do need to know if I can have emotional vulnerability with Phillip. I need to know that Phillip and I can have a disagreement, hurt each other, be able to forgive each other and continue to grow in our relationship. That is more important to me in building a relationship than getting it on. Our ability to deal with conflict is a vital key in the success of our relationship. I'm not saying this is an either/or option, I'm just saying that in the grand scheme of things, the quality of the sex is not a deal-maker or deal-breaker. It's not involved in the deal discussions at all. Rather it is a representation of the deal that we have made.
This is me.
This is my boyfriend.
We are fond of each other.
Very fond.
We are not having sex.
[Nor are we engaged, secretly married or planning to tie the knot any time soon. The only reason we would be tying knots this summer would be because we are learning how to sail, which unfortunately the closest thing I will get to sailing will be the topsider shoes I just bought. A pretend sailing adventure is better than no sailing adventure at all, right?]
We are fighting for purity.
There.
I said it.
It’s out there.
Out there to hold me accountable.
Out there to start a conversation.
Whatever it starts.
It’s now on the map.
I say fighting, because sometimes it is literally a battle.
To jump on or not to jump on, that is the question…
I am very attracted to my boyfriend. It is not uncommon for us to have to sit on opposite ends of the couch with pillows, blankets, ice cream bowls and/or the kitchen sink between us.
When we recently went to Yosemite [see rad photo album here], we didn't share a cabin. I had a cabin to myself. He had a tent cabin to himself. [I had a heater. He did not. Poor guy.] We also were not there by ourselves. We went with his family. When I told one of my friends that we had separate cabins, she said, “You wanted to share huh?” The honest answer is yes. Yes, I would love to not have to say good bye to my boyfriend at night. Yes, I would love to fall asleep in his arms. But no. No I didn't want to share. Us sharing a cabin and spending the night together is a dangerous idea. Us laying together in bed invites temptation. Basically, what I am saying is that we have terrible self-control.
I’m not trying to be self-righteous or pious. I’m trying to be honest. I am fighting for purity and for a wedding night in the purest sense of the idea. But it is difficult. There are moments when I am sitting next to Phillip and every ounce of my sexually driven mind and body is telling me that waiting is the dumbest decision I could ever make.
Mindy from Animaniacs is running through my head. “Why? Why? Why? Why? Ok, I love you. bye bye”
I am asking a question, but never fully understanding the answer.
I will be the first to tell you that I struggle in this area.
[Actually that’s a lie. I will be the last person to tell you that I struggle because I hate to admit I am broken and imperfect. But as this is an unofficial honesty hour, here is my struggle]
Often it’s a married person that gets up in church and speaks about sex and how good it is in a marriage. Often it’s someone who is at the end of that process of waiting that shares their retrospective experience. I would love to hear someone mid-process, someone who is committed to wait, but is facing the temptations of impatience currently. How do you claim future victory while you are sitting in a present that does not look to be ending any time soon? Since very few people like to share mid-process [me being one of them, but see above reference to honesty hour], here are mine and my boyfriend’s thoughts [click here!] on sex, relationships, waiting and Saturday morning cartoons…all mid-process.
***
The first time Phillip told me he loved me was in response to why he had to back away and stop kissing me because we were arousing each other. He had to stop because he loved me. He loved me enough to wait. He loved me enough to not want to come in between my relationship with God. He loved me enough to push me toward the King, not pull me away.
It’s easy to make a purity commitment when you are in high school, never having had a boyfriend and are attending a youth group camp where everyone is making that commitment. I have a dime with a hole punched through it signify my 9th grade commitment to wait till marriage to have sex. Not only did I completely miss the weight of that so called "commitment", but I was also 10 cents poorer…and a potential felon.
[Please don’t ask me what the dime meant…I really don’t remember. All I remember is that it was cool]
Church camp is weird.
It is difficult to keep that commitment when I am lying on the couch kissing my boyfriend. It is difficult to not feel rejected or unwanted when he tells me to stop and pushes me off of him. It feels lonely to be left out of friendships because I can’t participate in certain conversations. It’s lonely to not be able to laugh/understand/tell dirty jokes. People in the church won’t talk to me about sex because its taboo and people outside the church won’t talk to me about sex because I’m not having it. I am on an island of sexual frustration.
[where I do not have a dvd player with which to watch the top 5 movies I would want if stranded on said island. Woe. Is. Me.]
I don’t need to have sex with Phillip to know that I am very attracted to him and one day we will have fantastic physical intimacy. I do need to know if I can have emotional vulnerability with Phillip. I need to know that Phillip and I can have a disagreement, hurt each other, be able to forgive each other and continue to grow in our relationship. That is more important to me in building a relationship than getting it on. Our ability to deal with conflict is a vital key in the success of our relationship. I'm not saying this is an either/or option, I'm just saying that in the grand scheme of things, the quality of the sex is not a deal-maker or deal-breaker. It's not involved in the deal discussions at all. Rather it is a representation of the deal that we have made.
I look forward to a wedding night where I can look into my husband’s eyes, knowing that we just promised our lives to each other and knowing that I will give myself to him fully and that God will delight in our union. In that moment, there will be no hiddenness or shame in sex.If we are being honest, there will probably be a high five involved.
At times, knowing I have to wait is disappointing and frustrating, and dare I say infuriating. I start to reason and justify why we shouldn't wait, why it is a waste of time, why there is no need to, why it’s not that big of a deal. But it is a big deal. Not the mother-of-all big deals. But maybe a favorite aunt of big deals. So I need to understand why I am waiting in order to remove bitterness and stop imitating grumpy cat all the time.
Saying this while in a dating relationship and nowhere near engagement or marriage is difficult.
At times, knowing I have to wait is disappointing and frustrating, and dare I say infuriating. I start to reason and justify why we shouldn't wait, why it is a waste of time, why there is no need to, why it’s not that big of a deal. But it is a big deal. Not the mother-of-all big deals. But maybe a favorite aunt of big deals. So I need to understand why I am waiting in order to remove bitterness and stop imitating grumpy cat all the time.
***
I keep thinking about growing up and snooping around my parent’s room to find my Christmas presents. Generally this happens around early December. Every so often my inner detective comes out and I am victorious in finding said presents. I think it was all the Carmen San Diego computer games I played growing up.
[Plus, mom and dad, let’s be honest…hiding things under the bed is so typical…Christmas presents and extra candy alike]
When I found the presents, I did so in hiding and I knew I was not supposed to, so I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't get excited about the presents or share my joy. I had to stay hidden.
If you are hiding, there has to be something in you that knows what you are doing is not right.
Christmas morning rolls around and I already know what I am getting. This morning is supposed to be full of wonder and excitement for what is under the tree. Since I already know, some of that excitement is lost. I already know what I am getting, so let’s get on with the charades of the pictures and the smiling so I can get to playing with my brand new Barbie doll with 3 career outfit choices and matching shoes...
[Dear Mattel, please make CPA Barbie, complete with a tax return and depreciation guide. Kindest Regards, Amanda].
By pre-screening my gifts, I have robbed myself of Christmas morning excitement. When I open my presents, there is not as much joy. It is perhaps a sick sense of entitlement to what I think is already mine before it is given to me. I have robbed my family and community of the opportunity to celebrate with me in receiving a gift and sharing in the joy and excitement of that gift.
My parents were always going to give me the presents. They were not withholding them to be malicious or vindictive. They were waiting till the appropriate time. Now instead of loving the gift-givers, I resent them for making me wait. I took matters into my own hands to claim what I thought was mine when it was in fact not yet mine. I have robbed my parents of the joy of giving me a gift because I now demand it. I have ruined Christmas! And apparently I'm a thief. Well, at least I didn't shoot my eye out…
My parents were always going to give me the presents. They were not withholding them to be malicious or vindictive. They were waiting till the appropriate time. Now instead of loving the gift-givers, I resent them for making me wait. I took matters into my own hands to claim what I thought was mine when it was in fact not yet mine. I have robbed my parents of the joy of giving me a gift because I now demand it. I have ruined Christmas! And apparently I'm a thief. Well, at least I didn't shoot my eye out…
***
If marriage is a picture of God’s covenant with his people [The Mosaic Covenant established at Mount Sanai in Exodus occurred with strong imagery of a Jewish Wedding (rad, right?) and the comparison of husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church in Ephesians 5], and a wedding is the beginning of a marriage, then a wedding night is the celebration of that covenant.
I understand sex as a celebration of a covenantal commitment with my future husband to be faithful to each other and to pursue God together. Therefore, it shouldn't be casual. Sex should be intense and it should just be for marriage.
Waiting is not about beating God’s system or sticking it to the man. Whether you wait or not, if you believe that God is withholding from you, it’s still a wrong view of God.
Waiting is not about pursuing God until you are married and then turning and worshiping your spouse through sex or even worshiping sex at the expense of your spouse. That’s an unhealthy marriage about to happen. Waiting is about claiming God’s faithfulness and the goodness of his future promises. Waiting is about valuing the other person enough to encourage them to do the same.
Waiting is not about beating God’s system or sticking it to the man. Whether you wait or not, if you believe that God is withholding from you, it’s still a wrong view of God.
Waiting is not about pursuing God until you are married and then turning and worshiping your spouse through sex or even worshiping sex at the expense of your spouse. That’s an unhealthy marriage about to happen. Waiting is about claiming God’s faithfulness and the goodness of his future promises. Waiting is about valuing the other person enough to encourage them to do the same.
When waiting is now about something to look forward to, as opposed to something to endure, it helps.
Full disclosure: While I understand why I need to wait and I am confident in my decision to wait, I am still HIGHLY attracted to Phillip. There are moments when I want nothing more than to ignore my conscience and lack all self-control... There is still the tension between excitement and anticipation of the future and the current attractions of the present.
Waiting is difficult.
Waiting is good.
Both are true statements and do not invalidate the other.
This why we write.
To encourage others who feel the weight of this tension.
Phillip and I are not perfect. We struggle. We push each other too far sometimes. But so far we have always stopped, and we plan to continue to keep this solid line. Despite the fact that we have very different past experiences with sex, we are making the decision [notice making, not made, because this is a commitment we need to be reminded of daily] to make waiting a part of how we are pursuing each other and how we are in common pursuit of God.
God’s intention with sex is not to withhold or impose impossible standards on our relationships. If marriage is a shadow of God’s covenant with his people, then sex is the celebration of that. God desires intimacy with us, and we can only have that intimacy once we enter into covenant with him. Same with a future spouse. The sweetness of the intimacy is truthfully experienced when it comes with a commitment.
Waiting is not a cure-all solution. It actually might create more issues if you are not on the same page as your other. Waiting does not ensure perfect marriages and not waiting does not doom marriages. Waiting is not about virginity. It's about how you are in pursuit of God.
Waiting is not a cure-all solution. It actually might create more issues if you are not on the same page as your other. Waiting does not ensure perfect marriages and not waiting does not doom marriages. Waiting is not about virginity. It's about how you are in pursuit of God.
Sex is not a salvation issue. Like I said, it’s just the favorite aunt of big deals. But it is an intimacy with God issue. One thing I love and value about my relationship with Phillip is that we encourage each other to pursue God individually as well as together.
I know I cannot pursue God and claim his faithfulness in my life and have sex with my boyfriend at the same time when the very act of not waiting says I believe God is not faithful because he is withholding by not giving me what I think should be mine. Therefore, waiting is important to me and my relationship with Phillip.
I know I cannot pursue God and claim his faithfulness in my life and have sex with my boyfriend at the same time when the very act of not waiting says I believe God is not faithful because he is withholding by not giving me what I think should be mine. Therefore, waiting is important to me and my relationship with Phillip.
So if intimacy with God is not a priority for you, then disregard all things said above. Although I still think it’s wise to avoid a roster conversation. Those are the worst. But if intimacy with God is a priority, may this be an encouragement to you that waiting is good and there is hope and redemption in waiting, even if you haven’t before. There is always space to be able to stop and reorient your view of God and his faithfulness.
[I think it’s important to recognize that many will not understand this reasoning and will disagree with me and I will disagree with many of you. But it doesn't automatically mean that I dislike you or judge you or want to cut anyone out of my life. I do not write to be attacking or accusatory This is merely an answer to the question “why”. Both for myself and Phillip and to those who have asked. If this only serves as a good space for Phillip and I to work out our why, then it has been worth it.]
Thoughts?
