Given choices of what to do
I look ahead to the after
A paradise that could not come faster
But behind me is the before
Filled with things I so shamefully adore
So many voices and yet I hear him clearly
I recoil from his instructions and yet I seek him dearly
I stand at the cusp of new
Feigning not knowing what to do
I desire comfort
But am torn from which front
After brings peace but is unknown
Before is familiar but same as a groan
I stand on the cusp of new
Haunted by thoughts of two
What I wanted, but didn't
What I did, but wouldn't
Desire and regret
How can I be so upset
when there is nothing I am losing
But all I could be gaining
Good better best
Waiting for the latter weighs on my chest
I stand on the cusp of new
Knowing exactly what I must do
Ahead is light
Behind is dark
I could step into the new
Walk away and never look back
From it I will be free at last
But
Ahead is unknown
Behind is comfortable
I look back to say goodbye and see
The comfort and pleasures that I perceive
To release and let go
Is harder than I would know
But
I do not need silence to hear this solid "No"
I do not need silence to hear him whisper "Go"
In a crowded room with noise from many tiers
I can feel him close and speaking in my ears
"my child, my child, this is not what I have for you"
"my daughter, beloved, this is pain that I feel too"
Sadness and sorrow, but there will always be tomorrow
I stand at the throne for you
Pleading "please make me new"
They will move on and be ok
But I will be damaged so they say
What I saw and what I thought
I can't escape the fight I should have fought
But I did
Not on my own
I did
I fought
I fought
I. Am. Fighting.
But
I fear I fear
The things unknown
I fear I fear
I'll never be home
I fear I fear
To be alone
I fear I fear
For what I must atone
But why on me when it has already been done
Do I not trust that the battle has been won?
Conviction and yet indecision
Guilt but with no real admission
A phantom sin
Eating from within
The music is alluring
The music is enticing
It moves through my body
It moves my body
my mind
my soul
It moves
Both ways
Before and After
Both are drawing
Ahead and Behind
Both.
But
Daily
I stand at the cusp of new
And take a step forward
because there is nothing left to choose
