Surprises.

On November 17^th,  2011, I wrote myself an email.

"I don’t want just physical.

I want a relationship behind it. I want a guy who will send me texts telling me he is thinking of me. I want someone who will pick me up from the airport and just spend the day with me. I want someone who will drop what they are doing to see me. Who will surprise me on New Year’s. Physical may sound fun, but without the relationship it is more of a game to me of how far I can go...I need to submit to the ‘no’ I have been ignoring. I can’t help the feeling of once again, so close, yet miles away. But I can’t help but hear a whisper that God has not forgotten about me…"

At that point in time I was struggling with believing I was attractive, valuable, or worth pursuing. After 23 years of date-less Saturday nights, I felt like I was lacking in terms of something to offer; that I was ill-equipped to date in this world. I was gradually figuring out that I could utilize my body and sexuality to generate a second look if I wanted. And it worked. But it didn’t. And that became the tension. Flirting was fun in the moment, but I would always go home and know that there was nothing really there, just the boobs and the beer talking. Flirting with the physical was just something to pass the time, to not feel value-less for a moment. I wanted to be pursued and remembered by someone but I knew at some level, that that was not the way.

For the next 10 months I would reopen this email to remind myself what I really wanted and why I needed to wait on God’s timing. I would have moments of steely conviction to stand by this email. Then I would have moments of “f*ck it, that’s never gonna happen, so why put hope in it” For a while I would oscillate between hope and defeat.

[Jump ahead; there was a poem, some hard conversations of truth with friends, times of struggle, times of victory and times of encouragement]. 

On November 18^th, 2012, exactly a year (ok, plus one day) after I wrote this email, Phillip asked me out. 

I had returned from a 6 week long work trip to India. I walked into church, hugged some friends, looked around and saw him, but he hadn’t seen me yet [or so I thought]. I texted one of the few friends who knew of the interest, “I see him, but I don’t know how to say ‘Hi’” We hadn't really talked before I left for my trip, but while I was gone we had been trading innocent “Daily India Facts [DIFs]” such as…

And

So there I was, standing around, not totally paying attention to my friends, but glancing over at Phillip to catch his eye and wave. 

Wave. 

That sounded like a good plan. 

I would wave and maybe we would talk about my trip after the service. Maybe he would say “see you next week”. Maybe, maybe he would suggest we get coffee at some point to talk more about India. 

But he came over, jumped over a row of chairs, gave me a big hug and before he said anything else, asked if I wanted to go out with him.

I loved this. 

There were no games. No wondering if DIF’s were leading to the friendzone. No will he, won’t he ask me out. No wondering if he wanted to be guaranteed anything before he invested time and money in a potential relationship with me. No confusion. 

I was surprised, but stoked on the assertiveness of his pursuit. At that point, all I knew was that he was interested in me because I had shared a poem and funny facts about daily life in India. 

And this brought a security I had never experienced before.

After our first date, I was smitten. The date was going great in general. We went down to Laguna Beach, ate some Gelato, then had some Tacos.

[My thought at this date plan – He already abides by the wisdom I gleaned from Mark Foree on Trek in Jr. High “Always eat dessert first. That way you always have room” --> potential keeper]

But what really did it for me was when I suggested we walk down to beach and walk in the waves a bit. 

Moonlight walk on the beach. 

Yes, I know. 

Go ahead and roll your eyes. 

And while you are at it, cue Lady and Tramp Bella Notte. 

If there is anything I have learned about this relationship in the past year is that God is constantly surprising me. While we were down at the beach, somehow walking turned to trying to trip one another, which lead to Phillip trying to throw me into the ocean, and if anyone knows me, they know I don’t go down without a fight, so if I was going in the ocean, then this new boy that seemed to be speaking my love language of playful roughhousing was coming with me. [I grew up playing with my brother and his friends. Tackling was a way of life. Also. Three words: 43 Man Squamish]

My thought after the ocean incident --> absolute keeper

2 weeks and 7ish dates later [yes. There were many midweek dates] he asked me to be his girlfriend. Again, I expected this to happen later, but surprises happen, you know :)

So back to this email. When I randomly reread the email [around January probably] I realized what had happened. Within a month of our relationship, Phillip had done all the things I briefly mentioned in that email. I had forgotten about the email, had never shared it with him, and even when I had reread it I thought it was just a romanticized and unrealistic expectation to put on someone. I threw those things out there as tangible examples to juxtapose against physical satisfaction. I never meant it as a checklist.

But God surprised me by answering a prayer I never necessarily prayed as a reminder that he hears and loves his children.

God had not forgotten about me.

Now a year later on November 17^th, 2013, I am sitting next to this man that I deeply love, admire and respect, hanging out on a Sunday afternoon. He is working on writing a book while I am reflecting on life and watching a football game. We drift in and out of conversation and writing, he asks if “we” won yesterday [Phillip has recently picked up on the celebratory inclination of being an Alabama football fan], I ask how writing is going, he asks what I am working on, I coyly answer, "you'll find out". 

Next Sunday is the one year anniversary of our first date. There have been so many blessings and surprises packed into this past year. There have been so many elements of redemption of past relationship experiences for both of us. So many times of prayer, times of laughter, a few tears, never enough kisses, but plenty of hope and encouragement. Many things I hope to continue to reflect on and think about and share with others. 

But in this reflection, I am constantly struck by God’s timing. In a season of life that is frustratingly not where I want it to be – work, school, family, life, Phillip, etc. – I am reminded of God’s passionate ability and desire to surprise his children. And I am left with no other conclusion than to let him surprise me. 

So here is to more dates, more oceans to be thrown into, and more surprises from God. 

In other news, my phone has been autocorrecting “my love” to “my life” when I text Phillip. 

I’ll leave that there…