Metaphorical Jet Lag

I'm in a terminal with a ticket to Boston. A flight for New York just left and a flight to Seattle is currently boarding. I have flown to all these places over the past year. The least familiar being Boston and yet that is my holiday destination.

I am flying to people I care about. But I also just left people, and a particular person, I care about.

Other than the fact that this terminal is freezing so I am wrapped in my sweater blanket (not to be confused with a slanket), it doesn't feel like winter, Christmas or the end of the year.

Maybe it doesn't feel like winter because the California sun is heating up my A/C withholding car. Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas because I'm not flying to Seattle. Maybe it doesn't feel like the end of the year because there are so many new things and beginnings happening.

There is a part of me that feels like I am missing the holiday season. I thought I was prepared to enjoy this time of year, only to wake up 7 days before Christmas with an inbox full of online shopping shipping notifications, efile packages to review and a list of people I need to meet. I am tired.

I feel beaten and bruised. I feel inadequate, incapable, and insecure at times. Constant criticism has taken a toll and I question my ability to do anything right.

But then I read a letter that does nothing but remind me of God's goodness and faithfulness.

Good.

The simplicity of the word is profound. God called all that he created good. His intention for the world was good. Pure and simple. Good.

Good is the only way to describe this season. It is good to experience joy. It is good to have hard conversations. It is good to sit in an incomplete process. It is good to remember the inauguration of hope that is December 25th.

While I am not working for the next month I am still moving at the rapid pace of a can-can dancer taking shots of red bull.

I feel all over the place, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes ecstatic of the upcoming opportunities.

But there are areas that I need to take a step back from. To re-evaluate my attitude. To reset.

So my mind is jet-lagged. Not sure which emotion to embrace. Not sure which circumstance to camp on. But I don't think I need to choose. All are valid and all deserve thought and consideration.

So here is yet another blog post from an airport. But there is nothing to do in terminals but think. And this time of thought and contemplation is good.

marks, scars, and memoires

nursery rhymes lied to me.

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Words can never harm me." - Said no one EVER

 words are heavy. and i don't think people realize that. 

the constant barrage of negative words creates an anti-body to the refreshing of positive words. its backwards. and I don't like it. 

i'm not talking about negative/positive life force energy ideology, or the popular phrase of "sending positive thoughts" 

no, i'm talking about straight up comments like "you are lame" vs. "you are incredible." 

i know two people. 

one builds me up. 

one tears me down. 

at times, the tearing is so deep 

that the building is hard to receive 

and accept as truth. 

it hurts to be damaged by words. they scar. 

BUT

it is rejuvenating to be blessed by words. they heal. 

stop criticizing. start complimenting. stop terrorizing. start treating.

stop abusing. start adoring.

please.

Permission or Forgiveness...

Dear Dad,

I would like to pre-apologize for any Holiday Shenanigans that will go down. Let's be honest. If your church organized a bonfire for Thanksgiving, I have high hopes for what possibilities a Christmas Eve candle lighting service holds. 

I'm sorry I'm not sorry for "antiquing" church bulletins. 

Sincerely,

A daughter who hopes to remain absent from sermon illustrations. 

***

Dear Brother,

I'm super excited to see you and hang out during the Christmas break we will spend on the other side of the country.It's been a while since the last midnight showing or sporting event craving. Please don't break the sled this time.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry for making you drive 12 hours to go to a football game once. 

Sincerely, 

Your sister who lives around the corner from you.

***

Dear Mom,

You promised me a White Christmas. If I have to fly 6 hours instead of 3, I hope this means more than white chocolate covered Oreos. Although, I will gladly accept those as well.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry for blocking your car in the driveway with a Calvin and Hobbes-esque Snowman tragedy. 

Sincerely,

A daughter who communicates love in weird ways.

***

Dear Sister,

Let's trade internationally purchased scarves. You dress so well. 

I'm sorry I'm not sorry I stole you clothes.

Sincerely, 

The sister who misses her extra closet and the person to whom it belongs.

***

Dear Cat,

Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow! 

I'm sorry I'm not sorry for kicking your furry little tail out of my bed. 

Sincerely, 

The owner that needs earplugs to sleep because you purr so loud.

***

Massachusetts be ready for this fire storm. 

This day....

Returning, Continuing, Processing

Friends

This past year, in so many ways, names have become faces and faces have become stories and these stories have captured my heart.

Now, I want to invite you into one particular story, so will you listen for a moment?

Last January, I had the beautiful opportunity to step into the Holy Land and engage with the people living there in a way that surprised me and left me with a passion for stories. This next January, I have the chance to be a part of a small team that will be returning to Israel and Palestine.

This place is a land in the midst of a great story. It's a story with two sides. It's a story of confusion and frustration, a story of fear and hopelessness. And it's a story that desperately needs quiet listeners and fiercely caring hearts.

What captured my heart on my initial trip was a question from one of our Palestinian waiters. He asked us what we as Americans knew of life in Palestine. He asked if we just didn't know or if we just didn't care.

A typical trip to the Holy Land is for the purpose of seeing the places but not the people. However, we as a RockHarbor Fullerton community feel that God is opening doors and inviting us to return to this land and continue to learn about the people. Our community has an opportunity to engage in this land of conflict, to experience daily life, and to share these stories.

This January, our team will be in Israel and Palestine for 2 weeks to scout out specific opportunities for our community to invest and establish partnerships. We saw and experienced an immense amount during our last trip, but now we want to get on the ground again to listen to where God is leading and be able to define our area of focus for investment.

As a second phase in the development of our ministry plan, the RockHarbor India residency team will be spending their 3 month furlough in Israel for the purpose of spending a significant amount time with the potential partners, learning from them, and gaining deeper insight into how we can invest long term and where some of their specific needs are. So as part of the January scouting trip, our team will be going to Tenali, India to check in on the residency team and help prepare them for their time in Israel.

We are not trying to go into Israel and Palestine to be heroes or to solve any problems. We don't want to just jump in and "do stuff," so we are in a phase of listening. We are going to listen, to hear the stories of the people, both Israeli and Palestinian, and to try our best to communicate that we do care and we want to tell their stories and that we want to be involved in their process.

There are a few ways that you can join in this story with me: personally, financially, and prayerfully.

Personally: Ask me about my process. Listen to my thoughts. Sit with me in confused silence.

Financially: I have committed to raising $4,000 for the cost of this trip. I feel very strongly that I personally need to feel the financial weight of this trip. However, I also believe in inviting others into this process to walk with me. Through financial support you are saying that you are affirming Gods call to our community and my role is helping develop this vision. Therefore, I have decided to be personally responsible for 1/3 of the cost of the trip and I ask that you would consider truly partnering with me in this journey to raise the remaining amount.

If you would like to make a support donation, please visit my ROCKHARBOR fundraising website https://rockharbor.webconnex.com/israeljan2013amanda. Please note that donations are tax deductible and are non-refundable. All donations will go toward the overall cost of ROCKHARBOR’s Israel ministry, and any excess funds will first help support other fundraising efforts and secondly will be gifted to the ministry we are going to serve. (If you’d rather write a check, please make donations payable to ROCKHARBOR Church. Please do not write my name or the country anywhere on the check. Please mail to ROCKHARBOR Church, Attn: Israel /Amanda Wheeler. 3095 Redhill, Costa Mesa, CA 92626.)

Prayerfully: The investment of your time for the sake of prayer is just as significant in this process of confirming Gods voice.

Pray for clarity.
Pray for unity of vision within our team, both on the trip and back home.
Pray for safety.
Pray for words.
Words to communicate. Words to express. Words to describe.
And Pray for space.
Space to listen. Space to process. Space to learn.

Walk with me?

Amanda Wheeler

*Mount of Beatitudes on the Sea of Galilee*

Backspacing

I think I have started about 15 different poems while I have been in India...but none have felt right. None have felt genuine enough. None have been rhythmic enough. None have felt deep enough. I can't quiet get the right words on paper. I use few words to begin with, so each one weighs a great deal and I want it to be right. So I backspace to start over. And I try again.

I am still cautious to share any creative piece, especially ones that are in process...even so, here are some that survived the backspace...

***

I am caught in between 

A tension quite as mean

In a world of Profession

And a world of Confession

The stories are split

and don't reconcile

But to ignore and forget 

Is a gross form of denial

***

The bend toward entitlement

and frustration

sends chills down my spine 

and pushes resignation

***

Tell me a story that will make me cry

Tell me a story that doesn't leave an eye dry

Tell me a story that will make me laugh

Tell me a story about that riff raff

***

To glimpse the divine 

In the eyes of the thine

Is a beauty beyond fine

***

This tapping from my memory 

Disturbs me from my revelry

If you could hear it just one time

It burns to spare not one dime

Tap Tap Tap

Do you not see me

Or do you not care

Tap Tap Tap

Can you not hear me

I see you avoid my stare

***

To me, these don't seem worth sharing because they are incomplete thoughts. I recoil from process. I want finished. So to sit in the incomplete process and hold these stanza's loosely is uncomfortable...but necessary.

And maybe these are incomplete because this is really only part 1 of 3. Maybe it's because like Israel, I don't want to reflect on India because it will mean something. Maybe it's because I crave perfection like I crave breath. And maybe it's because it's not about the right words. Maybe it's because its about the process. 

***

Maybe it's about the swinging pendulum

***

Craving Landscapes

When my heart clenches

And I can't take a breath

I brush it off as nothing

And pretend it's fleeting depth

I long to see and to travel and to experience

But missing these lives is making me furious

 My heart has been captured

by people and places

And now it is hurting

by the fullness of these spaces

On them I don't think

So I won't miss them as much

But its the sweetness of the memory

that brings the tears and but not a crutch

When my heart clenches

And I can't take a breath

This spectrum of heartach

is not always death

Crazy. Just plain crazy.

We all have those friends...sometimes we are those friends....that always have the crazy outlandish ideas. Like Christmas with the Penguins or buying a beach house. You always say "OMG! Yes that would be awesome!" because it does sound awesome and you want to be supportive of their run away daydreams but with full expectation that you will never actually have to pay up because said ideas are legitimately crazy. 

Well that "friend" is actually my boss. That crazy idea is working in India for 6 weeks. and today is payday. 

So here I am. In the business class lounge of Dubai waiting for my flight to India...when did that happen?

I'm looking around and suddenly realize...I had forgotten to wear my Armani powersuit for my 15 hour plane flight!...oh wait, I don't have one of those...business people are silly...

I feel like a kid playing dress up...similar to this 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v_alwa4V_Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I feel excited about a new adventure. 

I feel spoiled for being in business class. 

I feel F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) for life back in SoCal. 

I feel honored to be trusted to go on this rotation. 

and

I feel terrified. 

Terrified of being inadequate

Terrified of failing

Terrified of not living up to expectations

When I cannot see the process, I doubt the outcome with greater fervor than Thomas

I don't know where my hotel is.

I don't know how far from the office I am staying. 

I don't know anyone working out there. 

I don't know Indian culture 

New York was the same way. I was scared to get on that plane...I just hid it from most people. But I was fine once I got there. 

But right now...

So much unknown. 

And yet this is just one example of how I am called to sit in the unknown and listen and trust and be. 

Be. 

So here is to trusting the minimally illuminated process because God is good and is one great storyteller.

I'm going to go find some free beverages to toast with....

Top 10 Myths about Tax Accountants

1. We are boring.
See below:

2. We are good with numbers
Contrary to popular belief accountants are not good with numbers. In fact we are severely crippled by the "=sum" function in excel. In fact the other day I had to confirm that 8 - 3 = 5 to know the PST start time for a Monday Night Football game. So please, please, please, please, do not give us the check to split up. I will either rig credit card roulette or order the most expensive meal and say "split it evenly".

3. We are only busy in April.
That's a funny joke. No really, keep going.

PSA from all tax accountants out there: 

A. ONE filing deadline is April 15th (supposedly... *cough* weekends/ D.C.'s emancipation day*cough*) However, work has to be done before we file...
B. There is a thing called an extension. No I am not talking about that bight orange cord you use to get your Christmas lights plugged in...that puts us at another 5-6 months out, so September 15th or October 15th
C. What's this? A May 26th year end? Looks like I'm getting Thanksgiving on the Company...

So yes. We are in "busy season" 6-7 months of the year...please plan meal deliveries accordingly because this inevitably happens...

 http://howshouldweaccountforme.tumblr.com/post/29836564299/when-you-optimistically-dive-into-busy-season

4. We are nerds
Half true...ok, mostly true...exhibit A:







5. There is a friends and family tax preparation discount.
Well my bill rate is a little high. But I would settle for a cookie....from my favorite bakery...in New York...fresh, please...that should call it even...













6. We never leave our cubes.
I went to New York last year for work. What did you do?

7. We can say "no" to work
You go tell your boss that you don't want to work certain hours because they are cramping your social calendar and let me know how that goes...











8. We are swimming in cash
Unless you are talking about a kiddie pool, I don't understand the statement













9. We NEED coffee to survive
We can quit anytime. Promise.






10. We are anti-social and friendless.
I could not do busy season without my friends. Both in and outside of work. End of story.

Tell Me

Sounds, and Songs, and Melodies
Sooth with a way to put at ease

Words have Power
              To Shower
                   Devour
                   Empower
           And Cower

Three people of who voices
I want ringing in my ears
Words of whispered breath
To bring then dry these tears

Tell me that you'll miss me
Tell me you wont forget me
Tell me that you'll think of me
Remind me of what I don't see

Tell me to slow down
Tell me to step back
Tell me to open my eyes
Remind me to not keep track

Tell me you can fill me
Tell me you can guide my task
Tell me you can heal me
Remind me just to ask

Softly spoken voices
Of which to listen for choices
Lover, Friend, and King
One absence can deeply sting

Tell me to be imperfect
Tell me to just fall
Tell me to take risks
Remind me failure is not a stall

Tell me that you'll talk with me
Tell me you'll cry midst commotion
Tell me that you'll laugh with me
Remind me to feel emotion

Tell me you are here
Tell me you are pouring
Tell me I bring you joy
Remind me you are adoring

In a constant battle to believe
Any words of affirmation
I desire just to hear
to change my expectation

Beginning to Be within the Busyness

Busyness can be burdensome

Busyness is basic

Busyness hides brokenness

Busyness is binding

Blessed to be busy. Better to be busy. Best to be busy  

Blessed. Better. Best.

Busy.

But to be.

Beginning to be.

Breathe in the being.

Boxed busyness and Botched being.

Books. Babes. Boys.

Bottles. Butter. Bales.

Busy, busy, busy

Begin to believe the blame

Busyness creates blindness

Busyness is not brave

Busyness feels like a beating

Busyness is blue

Bathed in busyness

But wanting being

Beauty in just being.

Be. 

I Stand on the Cusp of New

I stand on the cusp of new
Given choices of what to do

I look ahead to the after
A paradise that could not come faster
But behind me is the before
Filled with things I so shamefully adore

So many voices and yet I hear him clearly
I recoil from his instructions and yet I seek him dearly

I stand at the cusp of new
Feigning not knowing what to do

I desire comfort
But am torn from which front
After brings peace but is unknown
Before is familiar but same as a groan

I stand on the cusp of new
Haunted by thoughts of two
What I wanted, but didn't
What I did, but wouldn't

Desire and regret
How can I be so upset
when there is nothing I am losing
But all I could be gaining

Good better best
Waiting for the latter weighs on my chest

I stand on the cusp of new
Knowing exactly what I must do

Ahead is light
Behind is dark

I could step into the new
Walk away and never look back
From it I will be free at last

But

Ahead is unknown
Behind is comfortable

I look back to say goodbye and see
The comfort and pleasures that I perceive

To release and let go
Is harder than I would know

But

I do not need silence to hear this solid "No"
I do not need silence to hear him whisper "Go"

In a crowded room with noise from many tiers
I can feel him close and speaking in my ears

"my child, my child, this is not what I have for you"
"my daughter, beloved, this is pain that I feel too"

Sadness and sorrow, but there will always be tomorrow

I stand at the throne for you
Pleading "please make me new"

They will move on and be ok
But I will be damaged so they say
What I saw and what I thought
I can't escape the fight I should have fought

But I did
Not on my own
I did
I fought
I fought
I. Am. Fighting.

But

I fear I fear
The things unknown
I fear I fear
I'll never be home
I fear I fear
To be alone
I fear I fear
For what I must atone

But why on me when it has already been done
Do I not trust that the battle has been won?

Conviction and yet indecision
Guilt but with no real admission
A phantom sin
Eating from within 

The music is alluring
The music is enticing
It moves through my body
It moves my body
 my mind
 my soul
It moves

Both ways

Before and After

Both are drawing

Ahead and Behind

Both.

But

Daily

I stand at the cusp of new
And take a step forward
because there is nothing left to choose