Tell Me

Sounds, and Songs, and Melodies
Sooth with a way to put at ease

Words have Power
              To Shower
                   Devour
                   Empower
           And Cower

Three people of who voices
I want ringing in my ears
Words of whispered breath
To bring then dry these tears

Tell me that you'll miss me
Tell me you wont forget me
Tell me that you'll think of me
Remind me of what I don't see

Tell me to slow down
Tell me to step back
Tell me to open my eyes
Remind me to not keep track

Tell me you can fill me
Tell me you can guide my task
Tell me you can heal me
Remind me just to ask

Softly spoken voices
Of which to listen for choices
Lover, Friend, and King
One absence can deeply sting

Tell me to be imperfect
Tell me to just fall
Tell me to take risks
Remind me failure is not a stall

Tell me that you'll talk with me
Tell me you'll cry midst commotion
Tell me that you'll laugh with me
Remind me to feel emotion

Tell me you are here
Tell me you are pouring
Tell me I bring you joy
Remind me you are adoring

In a constant battle to believe
Any words of affirmation
I desire just to hear
to change my expectation

Beginning to Be within the Busyness

Busyness can be burdensome

Busyness is basic

Busyness hides brokenness

Busyness is binding

Blessed to be busy. Better to be busy. Best to be busy  

Blessed. Better. Best.

Busy.

But to be.

Beginning to be.

Breathe in the being.

Boxed busyness and Botched being.

Books. Babes. Boys.

Bottles. Butter. Bales.

Busy, busy, busy

Begin to believe the blame

Busyness creates blindness

Busyness is not brave

Busyness feels like a beating

Busyness is blue

Bathed in busyness

But wanting being

Beauty in just being.

Be. 

I Stand on the Cusp of New

I stand on the cusp of new
Given choices of what to do

I look ahead to the after
A paradise that could not come faster
But behind me is the before
Filled with things I so shamefully adore

So many voices and yet I hear him clearly
I recoil from his instructions and yet I seek him dearly

I stand at the cusp of new
Feigning not knowing what to do

I desire comfort
But am torn from which front
After brings peace but is unknown
Before is familiar but same as a groan

I stand on the cusp of new
Haunted by thoughts of two
What I wanted, but didn't
What I did, but wouldn't

Desire and regret
How can I be so upset
when there is nothing I am losing
But all I could be gaining

Good better best
Waiting for the latter weighs on my chest

I stand on the cusp of new
Knowing exactly what I must do

Ahead is light
Behind is dark

I could step into the new
Walk away and never look back
From it I will be free at last

But

Ahead is unknown
Behind is comfortable

I look back to say goodbye and see
The comfort and pleasures that I perceive

To release and let go
Is harder than I would know

But

I do not need silence to hear this solid "No"
I do not need silence to hear him whisper "Go"

In a crowded room with noise from many tiers
I can feel him close and speaking in my ears

"my child, my child, this is not what I have for you"
"my daughter, beloved, this is pain that I feel too"

Sadness and sorrow, but there will always be tomorrow

I stand at the throne for you
Pleading "please make me new"

They will move on and be ok
But I will be damaged so they say
What I saw and what I thought
I can't escape the fight I should have fought

But I did
Not on my own
I did
I fought
I fought
I. Am. Fighting.

But

I fear I fear
The things unknown
I fear I fear
I'll never be home
I fear I fear
To be alone
I fear I fear
For what I must atone

But why on me when it has already been done
Do I not trust that the battle has been won?

Conviction and yet indecision
Guilt but with no real admission
A phantom sin
Eating from within 

The music is alluring
The music is enticing
It moves through my body
It moves my body
 my mind
 my soul
It moves

Both ways

Before and After

Both are drawing

Ahead and Behind

Both.

But

Daily

I stand at the cusp of new
And take a step forward
because there is nothing left to choose

Nerdy and I know it...

You may not know it, but tax accountants are under a lot of pressure. So many numbers to crunch, tax returns to sign, referencing to create, research to do...we are on the verge of cracking and running headfirst down the padded wall path of insanity.

Everyone in my office operates on differing schedule preferences. Some like to begin the torture..I mean work...early in the morning, others delay it until noon. But everyone works late. Are you seeing the flaw in the logic yet?

One of my co-workers and I share very similar work habits. We start work early. And I mean early. I once had someone make a comment that I was running late when I stopped to get breakfast at 730am as opposed to 630am...We harass each other about our work habits, but always end up agreeing that we are like the blind leading the blind.

In order to remain sane in the face of obscene non-overtime rewarding hours, this co-worker and I make jokes...what follows is a normal conversation:

5:45am PST/ 8:45 EST (I (A) am in NY. My co-worker (K) is in CA)

K: Morning
A: Go back to bed!
K: Hahaha...You're one to speak miss
A: I know...I have no pull on that one
K: Blind leading the blind, right? How it's always been
A: Why rock the boat?
K: Exactly. All that can happen is you get wet.
A: Swimming blind is never good. You could get eaten by a whale.
K: And let's face it, after Jonah, the whales decided to not let the puny lil humans get away so easily next time.
A: And after the Pinocchio fiasco they held a 10 day training on how to properly eat humans
K: No more of this amateur stuff. Gotta meet up to the rigorous standards set by the Whales Ingest Low Level Youth
A: '82 was a year of reform after the strike of '81 thus creating the Nautical Emergency Mediation Operation
K: Which of course drew from the post second world war establishment know as the Mediterranean & Ocean Baleen Yodelers (obviously the Swiss were involved). Unfortunately it was some time until the Debating International Court of Krill recognized it, thus limited it's power until NEMO
A: Currently behind closed doors, a new committee is being formed: Freedom After Nasty Tsunamis Alter Sea Inhabitants Association of 2000, thus aiming to give the whales special privileges for aiding their fellow oceanic neighbors.
K: Which is a great organization, especially after such disastrous occurrences by human kind. An investigation by The International Trans Arctic Navigable Iceberg Committee showed that people are, well, stupid.

We're nerdy and we know it ;)

4 Tips for Traveling for the 4th Thursday of Novemeber

Catchy, right?

1. Don’t do it. When faced with the choice between hosting a holiday and traveling for one, I would without a doubt choose to revert to my ancestory ways of the hunter/gatherer. Hunting a turkey and gathering cranberries, even the old fashioned way, is a piece of cake when compared to navigating the frazzled, inexperienced and most likely running late travelers that flood the airports and roadways every holiday eve.

Just like nothing good happens after midnight, nothing good happens on an eve.
Eavesdropping is rude.
Building eves are far too small to stand on.
And if you are out on an eve, you are probably spying on someone or something, so you are going to get arrested or fall and die. Point made.
Holiday eves are nothing but trouble if you are not in the place you are supposed to be in.
This means you are late, in an accident, or not going at all. None of which are happy.

2. Arrive at the airport the day before your flight. Ok, maybe not that early. Everyone I talked to said that the airports would be a mile past the edge of insanity today. They warned me to bring snacks and plan for delays. They said I should allow 2 hours to drive to the airport. So I gave myself a healthy 5 ½ hours prior to my flight to get through traffic and the assorted lines. It took a total of 1 hour to do all of the above. While I now had to figure out how to wait out 4 hours without standing in a line, I at least was not late for my flight.

3. A) If you have hours to maim, I recommend fajitas and a nice Merlot. Wine does a bored traveler some good.

B) if you are one of the suckers who is habitually still in the security line when your flight is boarding, I would suggest you spend a good couple of months prior to your trip doing yoga and finding your place of serenity as well as find a talented track coach to work on your sprinting ability.

4. Be Thankful! Even if you are still at the airport, you are not working…unless you are me, in which case there is a different multiple step program that needs to be addressed ;)

Dear Empire State Building,

Bravo at your attempt and subsequent success in being an effective tourist trap.

You effectively utilized the "short line outside - long line inside" fake out. Did you take notes from Disneyland?

I thought I had it in the bag when I was inside the doors in 5 minutes, but noooo, there were switch backs hidden upstairs. When I thought I was clear of those, you slapped me in the face with a security check point! You don't trust me? That hurt. Now that you know the secrets of my life since you riffled through my purse, may I go up the viewing deck and meet Tom Hanks?

What's that you say? Another line? Of course, how could I be mistaken, I still needed to buy a ticket to take the elevator upstairs. And after the ticket line, there was yet another one to get in the elevator that takes you to the 80th floor. Was I there yet? No. After 80 floors, there was another elevator to go to the 86th floor, which was the viewing deck.

But twist! There was only one elevator working and it would be a 30 minute wait. Well I'm not about to wait 30 minutes to ride an elevator up 6 floors when there is a perfectly good alternative: Stairs. Yeah, that's right, I took the stairs. So take that Mr. Empire, not only did I not freak out and get flustered, but I even got a little workout in!

And then I had you right where I wanted you. It was a clear day in New York City and I could see for miles! Miles, I tell you! I could see the Statue of Liberty to the south and Central Park to the North and I didn't need to buy your cute little map or audio tour that you insisted I would want to have so that I knew what I was looking at.

I even bested your gift shop. I will admit I was tempted by the 3 foot tall Lego set of your building and the Christmas ornaments that it is never too early to shop for. But I resisted. I will not fall into your clever ensnarement.

I WIIIIN!!

Granted you did weasel $22 out of me...

Amanda: 1

Empire State Building: 1/2

Sincerely,

Getting better at this new city thing :)

NYC

I'm Here! I'm Here!

This morning I rode the subway for the first time. There is something very ominous about walking down a dark hole in the ground. But I swiped my handy-dandy metro card and sat down on the bench next to subway stop.

When it came, I got on, all proud of myself. As I am sitting there trying to put on my best "I'm a New York, so don't mess with me" face while trying to hide the "I'M IN NYC!!" face, I hear "Next stop Rockafeller Center." Now while I want to go to there...it was not the same direction as the office...I got on the subway GOING THE WRONG WAY! The city is laughing in my face...but I was laughing too :)

Subway: 1
Amanda: 0

Anyway, I got off and changed trains and went back the correct direction.

Lesson of the day: Learn NY geography...