Craving Grace

But its nature, saved by grace means acknowledging that there is something I need grace for. 

If I need grace for something, then I am not perfect. 

The realization that I am not, was never, and will never be perfect is like a dagger in my back. 

I was told to be perfect because my heavenly father is perfect. What do you mean I need grace? I am trying to be perfect like him! If you keep saying I need grace, then I can never be perfect! I can never achieve what I have been told to achieve! This is not fair!

However, 

We are made perfect through grace. 

In his book "Knowledge of the Holy", I think A.W. Tozer explains it well, "...so grace is His goodness directed toward human debt and demerit. It is by His grace that God imputes merit where none previously existed and declares no debt to be where one had been before"

Accepting grace [acknowledging in the fashion of Romans that I have fallen short of the glory of God and it is by grace that I am saved so that I am may not boast] brings me into reconciliation with a perfect God. The only way to be in communion with a perfect God is to be perfect. Grace makes this possible. 

Be perfect for your heavenly father is perfect. Learn to love his laws and commands and strive to be like Christ, but cover it all in grace for that is at the core of salvation. 

As much as it rips my pride to shreds to admit that I cannot on my own accord live up to the standards of my King, that is the first step in accepting grace.

I am not perfect and I crave grace with a desperation of a man under water craving air. 

Run down the Aisle

I have been listening to this song lately. It's a bit bold. It's a bit shocking. But it's beautiful. 

I first heard this song on a mission trip in high school and it has stuck with me ever sense. At one point in college the chorus was my alarm so that I would start my day remembering my process of redemption. My roommate was slightly concerned until I showed her the whole song. 

This picture of a wedding and a marriage relationship is not one I can fully engage at this point in my life, but it is one that I can understand to a small extent with my parents and friends relationships and weddings I have attended and/or been apart of.

One thing I have been learning/realizing/hearing lately is that as I am jealous for the past, present, and future affections of Phillip while we are only dating, how much more is God jealous for mine when he pursues me with a love that is realized in a covenant and commitment similar to that of a marriage. 

**

This verse cuts to the core of my struggles, wanderings and distractions: 

"So could you love this bastard child

Though I don’t trust you to provideWith one hand in a pot of goldAnd with the other in your side

'Cause I am so easily satisfiedBy the call of lovers so less wildThat I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood"

**

When I cannot see the end result, I have trouble trusting the process, so I wander. I look for immediacy. I want solutions now. 

By wandering, doubting, and denying his promises, how much am I causing my God grief? 

At what point do I set aside my anxiety and worry and take on a posture of trust?

When will I be able to claim the promises and character of God with such fierce strength that I will have faith like Abraham in Genesis 22?

Will I always be distracted by the shiny gleam of gold that I take my hand out of God's?

This is a process of pausing to remember God's goodness and faithfulness and then running down the aisle to him.

**

In other news, I also struggle with perfection. 

**

If you could love me as a wifeAnd for my wedding gift your lifeShould that be all I’ll ever needOr is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the linesAnd look for blessings in disguiseTo make me handsome, rich and wiseIs that really what you want

'Cause I am a whore, I do confessI put you on just like a wedding dressAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle

Or I’m a prodigal with no way homeI put you on just like a ring of goldAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard childThough I don’t trust you to provideWith one hand in a pot of goldAnd with the other in your side

'Cause I am so easily satisfiedBy the call of lovers so less wildThat I would take a little cashOver your very flesh and blood

'Cause I am a whore, I do confessBut I put you on just like a wedding dressAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle

Or I’m a prodigal with no way homeBut I put you on just like a ring of goldAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle to you

Because money cannot buyA husband’s jealous eyeWhen you have knowingly deceived his wife

So I am a whore, I do confessBut I put you on just like a wedding dressAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle

Or I’m a prodigal with no way homeI put you on just like a ring of goldAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle

Or I am a whore, I do confessBut I put you on just like a wedding dressAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle

Or I’m a prodigal with no way homeI put you on just like a ring of goldAnd I run down the aisleI run down the aisle to youTo you

Be King

Be King

Be King

In the midst of the night

Be King

Be king

Make it as day light

The tile floor could not be colder

As he cries out “Lord, let me hold her”

Be King

Be King

When I am scraped raw

Be King

Be King

When I can’t hide what they saw

I crave forgiveness and grace

And healing to dry this face

**

You promised you would be faithful

You promised you would not be wasteful

You promised you would be near

You promised I should not fear

To need the King is not weakness

To need the King is not failing

To need the King is boldness

To need the King is unveiling

**

Be King

Be King

When I cannot see

Be King

Be King

When I want to flee

The lies in my head tell me I am less than

I desperately need the safety of your wingspan

Be King

Be King

When I cry in the night

Be King

Be King

When I need the strength to fight

 Numbness and avoidance are sirens on the waves

Would it be wiser to take the road not yet paved?

**

Remind me you don’t withhold

Remind me to be bold

Remind me you withstand

Remind me to make a fire fanned

Take that foothold

and claim it for your glory

Do not let him grasp

Any part of my story

Take this burden from me

And this thorn deep in my side

I relinquish my perfection

And surrender the battle of my pride

**

Be King

Be King

Fill me with hope

Be King

Be King

Guide my steps on this rope

Be King

Be King

Give me new vision of eye

Be King

Be King

And let this old self die

Mine

You are worthy of being loved

by the sheer fact that you are my creation

You are worthy of being loved

please let me shower you with adoration

What if I stood up on that hill, spread out my arms and declared

"I am the divine and I claim this one as mine!"

Would you believe that I love you then?

Playing Dress Up

Last week I turned 25. 

A quarter of a century. 

Hittin' my stride in my mid-twenties. 

Getting closer to thirty every day.

I came away from my birthday with a fully stocked wine rack and realized that I have officially moved on from polly pockets and stuffed animals to being a conesuier of fine wine. Or at least pretending to be.

A pretend Sommelier is better than no Sommelier at all, right?

The ever present birthday question is "Feel older yet?"

Sure I can rent a car now without the extra "I'm under 25 so I am more likely to text and drive and crash" fee, but I still feel young. So incredibly young and not ready for the stages of life that I am expected to be in. I feel like a child playing dress up.

Not only do I feel young in my present state but also at the idea of growing up. Let me just say, Peter Pan was on to something...

Lately there is much talk of the future.

Future financial plans. Future career plans. Future travel plans. Future relationship plans.

Someone gave me a CD a couple weeks ago called Futures. I'm still waiting to listen to it. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for enough space to hear it in it's entirety. And there is something symbolic about waiting to listen to Futures.

Waiting for a future that is not yet mine to be in. Waiting for a future that should be planned for in the present. Waiting for a future that is obviously unknown. Waiting for a future that is confident.

Waiting.

That's a theme.

The future can't come soon enough and yet I would not be opposed to it moving like molasses in January...

Let's compromise with something in between Speedy Gonzales and a turtle with a broken leg.

Let's not rush the future. But let's dream about the future.

***

On the topic of playing dress up - you know what they say, dress for the job you want. 

I see two options:

2%

2% of her sees the grey
while 98% black and white

2% of him is insecure
while 98% confident

2% of him is unsure
while 98% decided

2% of her is unmotivated
while 98% driven

2% of her is fragile
while 98% unbreakable

2% of him is quiet
while 98% exuberant

2% of her craves adventure
while 98% routinistic

2% of her is apathetic
while 98% passionate

2% of her is an artist
while 98 % a thinker

2% of him is passive
while 98% unyielding

Minority be far,
and sparse in occurence
it steers this ship like a ruder
and drifts off course a great distance

2% is exciting
2% is haunting
2% is deciding
2% is daunting

2% is infuriating
how much it is influencing
2% is invigorating
how much it is inspiring

2% needs moderation
2% needs invitation
2% needs space
2% needs grace

It makes no sense how 2% is controlling
It makes no sense how 2% is molding

2% means not quite 100
2% means unfinished
2% means variety
2% doesn't need to be diminished

2% is good in encouraging a balancing act
2% is bad when it spins lies as solid fact

Watch out for the 2% that leads to unsatisfaction
Embrace the 2% that leads to brings out a course of action

There could be 2% more,
but I will leave it right here
It's been a while since I've written
since I have 2% writer's block fear. 

What is normal?

Ok, let's recap the past year-ish:

I spent 4 month in New York City, 6 weeks in India, and took two trips out to Dallas, TX for work: When I started my job, I would have told you that the tax function does not travel much, if at all. However, in the 2 1/2 years I have been at my firm, I have already had two fairly significant trips, not to mention the 7 month rotation to Texas that I passed on last summer.

I visited my family in Sammamish, Boston, and Chicopee: I went home to Sammamish, WA back in April, joined my family at my sister's college graduation in Boston, MA in May, and then when my parents moved out to Chicopee, MA I spent Christmas with them at their new crib.

I worked two tax busy seasons: During busy season, I tend to disappear from the outside world. I work long days and sometimes go weeks without seeing dear friends. When I finish busy season, it feels like I have returned from a long trip. I have to spend the next few days putting my life back together - get my car serviced, catch up with friends, do laundry, restock my fridge with food...

I am currently in Israel, heading to India next week and about to start another tax season soon.

I recently told someone that I was excited about settling into normal life again. But let's be honest, what is normal for me?

Why do I associate the nomadic lifestyle with the not normal?

Being a nomad was normal for some. Why can't it be normal for me?

To some degree, society encourages, no, demands nomadicy. You are always asked when you are moving to the next stage of life. What college are you choosing, when are you graduating, when are you landing a career, getting married, starting a family, changing careers, retiring, etc. Why is it never enough to be content in your current stage of life?

But society also encourages, no, again demands the sedentary. When are you settling down? Are you going to move back home? You can't keep up that pace forever. When are you going to slow down...etc.

I'm confused. What do you want from me?

My life feels like a dance. There are structured "normal" steps, but the music is constantly changing and with that, the steps must be altered.

So what does "normal" mean or look like?

Maybe normal is rolling with the changes in life without rushing them or prolonging them...maybe normal is taking one day at a time...maybe normal is learning to be content in the present, but still having a hope and a vision for the future...maybe normal is redefining home...maybe normal is being in the stage of life in which you thrive, whether that is being nomadic or being sedentary...

And maybe the most normal thing I can do is breathe.

All that to say, I'm in Bethlehem and its snowing. Talk about not normal...or is it?