Question 11

A couple months ago my boyfriend and I went to Yosemite

If you know anything about us, you know that he is the talker.

I listen.

Let’s play 20 questions he says.

20 questions you must answer.

with no diversion,

no avoidance

no reciprocation or

manipulation.

20 uninterrupted questions.

Deal.

We began.

The questions fell out in no particular order

Gradually unpacking my thoughts and feelings like a mental hoarder

Question one asked about art

To which I claim I have no part

Ironic that art is where we got our start

And where I currently stand in part

Artist is not a name I favor

But we’ll talk about that later

Question ten was harmless

But then exposed my raw emotion

Question five I forgot

But question eleven stumped me

It meant I would have to look at my lot

This three-part question has taken me months to answer

Because I prefer to avoid the disparity that I know is present

But its like living in a world of sunlight but using lights made of florescent

There is a disconnect in giving God eye contract

Because I recognize that there is a claim on truth that I lack

**

What do I believe about myself?

What do I believe at my core

Do I believe I am beautiful

Do I believe I need to be more?

I am tax accountant who loves rap

Who can spit a rhyme as a means to distract

I am an introvert who loves to be the center of attention

But is insecure about the audience affection retention

I am an overachiever who wants to accomplish nothing once in awhile

Somebody please tell me how all these reconcile

Balance is for tight rope walkers, Olympic gymnasts, and restaurant servers

Not for a life lived in unrelenting fervor

Competing beliefs are wrecking my mind

Peace and security are a hard find

I believe I am unworthy

But I believe I am deserving

I believe I am not as good as I could be

But I believe I give my best

I believe my potential is greater than my current reality

But I believe I have the ability to pass any test

I believe noise causes problems so I stay quiet

But I believe I have all the answers and I should be the pilot

I want to never disappoint

But I worry at the worth I must accomplish

I want to never to be forgotten

But I worry that my words are made of rubbish

I want never to sit and wait

But I worry how to use my time

I want never to be last

But I worry I how far I have to climb

I want to be something else because I believe I am not enough

I work hard to prove something for someone

As if I am fighting for approval to make a wrong undone

I believe that I am a burden and yet I turn my life upside down to fit into somebody else's schedule

I believe the world rests on my shoulders

That I have to be the consistent strong one to remove all other boulders

So everyone better get their shit together

So that I can lose mine for just one second

Because I believe that if I let go then the whole world will fall apart

But I am exhausted from stifling emotion when it starts

**

Mine is not the only opinion that matters

What does the creator think about his daughters chatters?

I do not pretend to speak for God

I dare not even try.

But in the quietness of my despair

He calls out each of my lies

My child my child

I have told you my name

Stop running and hiding

This is not a fun game

My child, My child

When did I ever cast you with shame?

You cry out to me in exasperation

And I long to show you joy in your desperation

When will you believe that I love you?

What if I climbed up on that hill

Spread out my arms and declared

I am the divine and I claim that one as mine

What if I called your name out loud

What if I picked you out from the depths of the crowd?

What if I delivered you from a metaphorical lion’s den?

What if I restored you again and again?

You are worthy of being loved by the sheer fact that you are my creation

You are worthy of being loved

Let me shower you with adoration

I will not be exhausted

I will not be expended

My pursuit of you is genuine

Don’t ever believe it pretended

I have surprised you more than once

I will do it again

Take a deep breath

Let go of your plans

Of mine, they have no resemblance

**

What do I believe about what God believe about me?

The God of the universe that created the mountains and plains

This God of the universe apparently knows my name

And what do I believe about him who names me

What do I believe about the God who claims me

What do I believe about how me sees me

What do I believe about how he must perceive me

My answer about a God immutable

Varies like a tune unpredictable

I believe there will be dancing in the throne room

I believe that the laughter of a child will ring like chimes in the throne room

I believe that sunlight will feel warm on my face in the throne room

But only if I enter with perfection, into this throne room

If I am blemished, this belief is revocable

I tell a different story of fear insurmountable

I try to hide from the shaking head of non-delight

I try to hide from his pending requite,

I try to hide from this revealing light,

But the shadows of the corner do not cover my plight

I can stand up on these benches and proclaim a God of unconditional love

And yet I step down and cower in the shadows bracing for the karmaic wrath from above

I have such a wrong view of my savior

His love and power and behavior

He is no paint by number creator

If only the inaugurating of this correcting process would stop

The evidence of God’s character is colliding with my misconceptions like

A theological bull in a reality built china shop

I don’t believe that God is a liar

But if I’m honest

I act as if he’s out to conspire

One thing I do know is that is redundant

I cannot live life abundant

While looking over my shoulder

And doubting the atonement

My prayer is this:

May my vision of God be not retrospective

But currently corrective

To see his hand at work irrespective

Of my present situational collective